Year 1

While I was pregnant with Maddox, my second child, I decided that I wanted to cut my hair off. I had been looking for some cute styles, and My aunt Julie had said that Jenny McCarthy had just cut her hair and it was really cute and she could see me in something like that. I had been looking for a picture of her and couldn't find a good one. I had noticed that she was going to be on Oprah and since I tivo it I would get to see it. One night I got Kobe to bed early and had time to watch tv. So I started watching and loved her hair. she was talking about her son who had autism and she was telling her story about how she found out. While she was describing the signs I was thinking oh my gosh Kobe does that all of that. I called Jed into see her hair and to listen to her description of autism. He liked her hair but said to wait till the baby was born and I lost the weight. He also thought that she had just described Kobe. We both knew right then that he had autism, but neither one of us would admit it to each other or ourselves.Over the next few weeks we both researched autism on the internet every free second we had. We found some really helpful video clips on the autism speaks website and we sent the link to my parents who had also seen the Oprah show and thought the exact same thing as we did. We all knew but kept trying to find ways to prove that it wasn't true. I had Maddox and everything went smoothly, except for this nagging feeling that I needed to get Kobe checked, even if it's just to ease my mind. I couldn't call so I made Jed do it. We made the appt. but told nobody what we were doing. The developmental specialist at our pediatricians office was who we met with and she did a few things with him and told us that he had a lot of red flags and that we did the right thing by having him checked out. She couldn't officially give us a diagnosis, but told us to prepare for the autism diagnosis. We were referred to a developmental psychiatrist, who we needed to call asap cause she had a 3mo. waiting list. After it was over I picked up the baby from my sister in law and broke down in her entryway. I just remember that I didn't want to cry cause he was going to be fine. That night was our wards trunk or treat party and we didn't feel like going but I made us go cause I didn't want Kobe to miss out on things just cause we were sad. I also needed to keep my mind off of it. The next day Jed called and talked to the receptionist and she was able to get us in just one week later. She said that he was so young and that the sooner that he got help the better it would be, so she talked the Dr. into staying late. On Halloween day at we were given the diagnosis that we were dreading. We did recognise the Dr. she was in our last ward and recognised us too. I felt better knowing that she was LDS and that she didn't just talk to us like a Dr. but she also helped us spiritually. We were also informed that our pediatrician was also a member of the church and we both felt comforted by that too. We just chose him cause his office was the closest to our house. We really felt like the lord was preparing us ahead of time to help us get through the road ahead. After that we were both kinda numb. I wanted to pretend that nothing was wrong , and Jed just immersed himself in video games. We both were on the same page about what to do which was everything we could.We went to barnes and noble and spent $400 on books, not even kidding. We put him on the GFCF diet which eliminates gluten which is the protein found is wheat and casein which is the protein found in dairy. It is very expensive and extremely hard to find food for him to eat. I went home right after my birthday Nov. 7th and stayed there till new years. I needed to escape from it all and to be around my people. The psychiatrist said we would go through the stages of grief, and to remember that Kobe hadn't changed he was still the little baby boy that we loved. Just our idea of him had changed. We decided that no matter what it takes or how much it costs we were going to get him back. People don't really know what to say when they find out. We got a lot of I'm so sorry , but the best was "he isn't really autistic he just watches to much tv" . I'm so glad that there are know it alls out there who don't have any kids and have no idea what it takes or feels like to be a parent, telling me that it's my fault. I really try not to focus on what they have to say and focus more on what people like my friend Robyn said. She put it so perfectly and made me feel a whole lot better, and helped me get through the depression. Whenever i get down I just remember what she told me and it really helps. I am so grateful to all my family and friends who have helped me out. I hope that I will be able to be there for them just as they were for me if anything ever comes up. It's been a year and we have come a long way since. We still have a lot of work ahead of us but we know without a doubt that we will get him out and he will show no signs of autism. It's going to be hard, but we are up to the challenge.